Introduction

TRIFLING HOS & YOU 

We’ve all been there. In the course of your day to day life you’re bound to come across it. It could be the lady working the check-out. The lady bitching about the store not taking expired coupons in the check-out. Woman behind you? Woman getting a drink of water? They’re everywhere. They hide in plain site. They camouflage themselves in breasts and a venomous smile. They prey on the weak. They prey on the strong. They think that they’re above it all. They think that they can gripe, complain and bully their way into getting what they want every single time. They’re commonly known to the layman as:

BITCHES

Yes. Bitches. As you well know, they are everywhere. We are bound by the laws of bitchness as we are the laws of gravity. We are destined to come across them throughout our lives. From birth (That fucking bitch nurse just stuck me with a needle to fucking make me cry!), to Kindergarten (That fucking bitch teacher just fucking took my toys away because fucking recess is over!), to dating (BITCH!!!!!!), and more. This guide will prove handy in numerous situations that you may find yourself in. You will learn to deal with all types of bitches. Bitches can also roam as pack animals, in which case you may encounter more than one type. We will expose their classifications as well as their insecurities in case you need to make a hasty retreat and need to stun the beast.

For those of you that are female and reading this, please note that this is written in good faith. Being a bitch just doesn’t apply to women, but stretches beyond to men. Therefore many of the same types of classifications may and will apply. That said, we men are capable of being dirty, rotten bastards, but you women have perfected the trade of being a bitch and excel at it like no other. The majority of women are perfectly normal, sane human beings. The bitches however appear this way as well, and only rear their ugly, bitchy head at the most inopportune times.

Please walk with us through this adventure and learn vital skills in dealing with all sorts of bitches. You will inevitably encounter a bitch that seemed perfectly fine when you first started dating but has quickly become a bitch-liability. You will be able to quickly identify the type of bitch, and how to proceed. In the end you will treat her like a layup in basketball: You take your shit to the hole, score, pass it off to the other team and then quickly run the other way.

…but basing a whole movie on a fucking board game?

Awwww shit...you know they mean business...

A FUCKING BOARD GAME. BOARD GAME! WHAT THE FUCK? Seriously? How fucking bad off does Hollywood have to be to be scraping the bottom of the fucking movie idea barrel and come up with a board game? Who’s idea was it? What in the bowels of Christ were they thinking. Hell…what drugs were they on? What kind of idiot thinks basing a movie on a board game is a good idea?

“Hey! Johnson! We need a movie idea based on any of the franchises that belong to Hasbro.”

“Well sir, what about Transfo—”

“Goddamn it Johnson! We already did that. We’re booked to further fuck that franchise for more cash in the near future! Think harder or get back under my desk.”

“What about…hmmmm…What about Monopoly, sir?”

“Mon….what the fuck are you getting at. Hell no. That fucking guy with the monocle and top hat creeps me the fuck out. Do I have to get the fucking cattleprod out again, Johnson?”

“N…no sir. No SIR! What about…hmmm…*throws a dart at a huge dart board….”THUNK”* AH HA, SIR! What about Battleship?”

“Battleship? Are you dipping into the company cognac again, Johnson…I have a good mind to…wait…WAIT! NO WAIT! I GOT IT! THROW SOME FUCKING ALIENS IN THAT BITCH AND PRETTY MUCH JUST RIP OFF BITS OF THAT MOVIE ABYSS! Hell! Let’s just bootleg some of the cutting room floor footage of Transformers too! GET ON IT JOHNSON!!!”

“YES, SIR!!!”

It is going to no doubt be an action oriented movie. With Transforming ALIENS. (RIPOFF ARTISTS!!!), Battleships, and NAVY. So…wait…pretty much it’s like Transformers with only Decepticons, and on the water? Didn’t they do that shit back in the Transformers Armada series with TidalWave?

Tidal Wave is out of FUCKS to give...

What the fuck is next? Boggle? OH FUCK GUYS! RUN! THE POPOMATIC BUBBLE IS ON THE FUCKING LOSE! Mouse Trap? It’d be like Home Alone with Rodent Invaders? Uno? BITCH! YOU DONE GOT SKIPPED! *Person disappears into a black hole* DRAW FOUR! *Four arms pop out of said black hole and punch them*. Risk? That be pretty much any WWII movie. Like Johnson suggessted, Monopoly? That guy runs a slum and tries to send fools to free parking where the hookers and booze flow like water from a mountain spring?

I swear…if it’s like the first Transformers movie (More than meets the eye. First time…nice. Second time…eh…third? FACEPALM), and one of those motherfuckers say “He sunk my Battleship!” I will fucking take a piss in the popcorn bucket, and toss it at the screen.

There is a vast, almost infinite spread of tastes and interests when it comes to social networking. It happens to vary in spectrums but you can rest assured that there are numerous things that people can agree on. Music. Books. Movies. Sports.

Sports.

FUCKING SPORTS!

Just as a number of people agree on interests, there are an equal number of people who couldn’t find a fuck to give about these things even if they were payed cold hard cash. This falls into sports. For me personally, seeing numerous sports posts from friends, enemies and hermaphroditic nuns in leather is about as welcome as taking a piss in the morning, having the burning split stream spray all over the shower curtain, and then on the back of the toilet.  I’m sure my wife can attest to that.

Now wait. Put your burning hockey sticks, and crucified basketballs down. Let me explain our side of things: Currently if we have X amount of friends watching the game, there is a cesspool of various shit that is no doubt being posted to our status updates. X amount is for X-TEAM. Y amount is for Y-Team. The rest of us are F…for F-Team. As in we don’t give a fuck. Wait…I think I may have one left in stock…

Now…I can respect those that show a little restraint. I don’t mind them posting up success, or anguish at a loss or a bad call. But every bad call? Shit. I’ve come to the conclusion that:

Bad Calls On Your Team: “We know who paid off these Refs.”

Bad Calls On The Other Team: “Good Reffing!!!”

Your Team Loses: “Fucking Refs.”

Your Team Wins: “Yeah! Take that Y-Team!”

Yes. That is right. I know that it’s “Your Team” and all that but seeing the majority play like their team is above fouling or making a shit shot? Please. The game is a base game of skill. The best team wins. If they foul someone and a ref doesn’t see it, you know what that means? It means they got away with it. You wouldn’t be yelling at the refs to call a foul on your own team. Do pay-offs happen? No doubt. Does it happen everytime your team loses? Fuck no.

Stop making excuses. Accept the losses with dignity. Don’t fucking clog up my fucking feed with claims of foul play and shitty sportsmanshtp.

For those of you that have teams that win. Fucking put yourselves in check too. I seen a bunch of happy fans…then a bunch of rabid, sore winner, shit talking scum fans.

And best yet…

STOP GIVING US PLAY BY PLAYS ON THE GODDAMN GAME! WE’RE NOT WATCHING IT FOR A FUCKING REASON. I’LL GIVE YOU A HINT: