I’m Michael Smalley. That’s ESS EMM AA Double-L EE WHY. Some call me Michael, some call me Smalls, some call me Smalley.

However a lot call me asshole, bastard, fucker, and “goddamn you”.

I’m 27 years old, with a 5 year old daughter who acts more mature than me at times. I’ve got a wife that tries to keep me on a leash but luckily I got a contact that puts the file in the cake at the factory.

I collect Transformers…and by collect I mean spend all my money on them I mean..well…most of you know what I mean. It doesn’t stop there. I collect anything I think is cool, or unusual. A home made shelf statue from Goodwill. A set of prosthetic legs, legal actions.

But mainly transformers.

I have a shit ton of dvds, and games. I have frogs that are named Yakko, Whacko, and a snail named dot. Recently added was a new frog named Reginald, and another “blue” snail named Hector. He looked like a Hector. All thuggish. He was flashing his gang sign colors at me in the store.

I have a read eared sliding turtle named Bowser, and 1 out of 4 goldfish that was supposed to be his dinner that I ended up naming Clyde. 4 Cats. They’re all assholes. And a dog Named C.J.

I am a student at ITT in their online courses for Web Design and Development, and I run a radio station on the side. I have my own radioshow entitled Detuned that airs every Wed. 9pm EST. That was indeed a fucking plug.

I love to read. I will devour at least two novels a week. Both at once. Yes. I’m a bathroom reader. I will sit and shit on the toilet for an hour or more, and enjoy my reading time while I let out some of the nastiest, stinkiest excrement this side of any horror movie director’s dream!

I play WoW, and I’m proud of it. Level 80 Druid bitches! I also play NES, SNES, GENESIS, ATARI and anything else I can get my grubby little paws on including the newest gen systems.

I’m an asshole. I’m a prick. I’m a loudmouthed cocksucker.
But I say please, thank you, yes sir, and no ma’am.
I hold the door open for people, but don’t be surprised if I get shitty if you act like you’re entitled to anything.

I’m a drummer. Been a drummer since as far back as I can remember. My dad played. I play. Simple. I’m a Grampa’s boy who would wash my mouth out with soap for the preceding paragraph.

I’m a friend of many, and an enemy of few. If you’re my enemy send me a message…we’ll hook up.. ya know what I mean? BBQ out…maybe go see a movie.

I’m a smart ass.

I write rants in my spare time to post on my webpage theaxalon.com, and I’m a lazy fuck and repost them here for more hits and to get them around more…like this one!

I’m lazy. I’ll send my wife a message on MSN and ask her to bring me a soda if I’m caught up in something. Worse yet, I’ve called her cellphone to do it.

I’m falling apart on the right side of my body.
I’ve had two shoulder surgeries.
My hip is dislocating.
I’ve got a pinched Sciatic Nerve

Oh…

And I’ve been stabbed in the temple with a small hunting knife.

All on the right side.

I’ve done my fair share of fucking up in life, and hope that I don’t fuck up my daughters, just by being her father. I’ve been accused of being a bad Dad by letting her watch movies such as Terminator, Robocop, and Nightmare on Elm Street.

I censor the boner parts as best I can. All I can say is hey! Goddamn it. I watched them growing up and I’m not going around killing people!!

I hate cheap imitation offbrand food. Sam’s American Choice ™ Cola is NOT the fucking same thing as a Coke. Period.

In closing, I’ll use a quote that a good friend, Roy Chilton that was quoted from the Rocky Horror Picture show:
“It’s not easy having a good time! Even smiling makes my face ache! ”

~Smalley