That’s right…you’re sick…so where do you go? DAMN RIGHT! The doctor. After going through the normal routine of the ol’ blood pressure, temperature, shining the light everywhere but up your ass. Having you say Ahhh, and describe the problem/symptoms for the 20th time…and quite possibly getting a shot in the “hip”.

Yes…”hip”. I say “hip” because what they really need is the meatiest part of the fucking body. They say hip..when they really mean “hip” because all they want is a piece of that ass. They have you pull’em down just a bit. And they say they’re wiping it with some alcohol, but I really think that they’re scanning the area and they have a laser pointer with a bulls eye on it. Then…*STAB*…you’ll feel just a pinch. Pinch my ass…literally. You’re fucking goring me with a harpoon! And just wait until they depress that plunger…cripes, man!!! Oh it burns so good!!!

Anyhow..they give ya prescriptions. You knew it was coming. Here these days they just emailing. I prefer that…saves me the trouble have having to go to two separate windows in the same damn store. With an hour gap in between. But here’s the kicker…

There is a really fucking long ass line at the pickup window. In my experiences, at least 75% of them are old people. Not I problem…I have nothing against old people, except in certain circumstances. I realize you’re old, and you’re movements are slow because of it. I realize that you may think a little slower, may even talk a bit slower.

HOWEVER! ONE QUICK AND EASY WAY FOR ME TO STEAL YOUR WALKER, FOLLOW YOU HOME, POISON YOUR LITTLE BITCHY ANKLE BITING DOG THAT NEVER STOPS YAPPING, PUT ITCHING POWDER IN YOUR DEPENDS AND HIDE ALL YOUR EARLY BIRD COUPONS IS BY TAKING LONGER THAN 2-4 MINUTES AT THE GODDAMN PICKUP WINDOW!

What? You wanna have a chat about the medication!?! MOVE TO THE FUCKING DISCUSSION WINDOW! OR OFF TO THE FUCKING SIDE! You’re holding up the goddamn line!!! What really fucking twists my tit is the fuckers that open the bag up. Open the medicine up…

AND COUNT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THE FUCKING GODDAMN PILLS!

Ya know what? Fuck it! It’s not just fucking old people! I hate stupid bitches that have purses the size of a fucking Cadillac! They open it up and reach down in there up to their fucking shoulder…it’s a fucking black hole, man! I’m telling you!! FUCKING BLACK HOLE!

They need ten bucks for the copay on their medicine!? Instead of having the fucking cash in your hand, ready, they go excavating in the fucking Serengeti to unearth ten of King Tut’s fucking Greenbacks.

And the whole fucking time, you’re sniffling, sucking snot BACK up in your nose, or you’re holding the eleventy-billionth fucking tissue and it just keeps coming. You’re coughing, hacking your lungs up…and the smart ass old bitch at the goddamn counter counting her fucking pills says the stupidest fucking thing?

Oh, are you sick?

NO BITCH! I’M JUST COUGHING AND SNOTTING EVERYWHERE…FOR THE FUCKING FUN OF IT!

It makes it even worse when they reek of stale cigarettes and sour milk. *COUGHHACKSPEWSNEEZEFARTSNEEZESPEWSPITCOUGH* GOD I LOVE SARS! *COUGH SPEW SNOT COUGH* GOD! GIVE ME MORE EMPHYSEMA!!!

AND ALL YOU FUCKING WANT…IS THE FUCKING PILLS. The fucking cough medicine! YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING PRESCRIPTION!!!!

You get up there, they give you the cough syrup.
Expected.
The antibiotic in the childproof bottle.
Of course.
Then…some sort of steroid course.

THAT’S IN THESE GODDAMN BLISTER PACKS!!!

How in the fucking hell do they expect you to get them out? The fold and peel? Or maybe it’s the old standard “Tear Here” routine. Nah. Nothing short of a precision aimed nuclear weapon will get into those fucking things. GODDAMN BLISTER PACKS!!!

Put the fucking things on a golf tee, and fucking tee off with a fucking putter! You’ll achieve the same results as if by magic you followed the directions. You’ll get the pill out alright. In a fine powdery form! And even if it isn’t by some fucking miracle…

They dissolve so fucking quick with the taste of fucking rat poison as an after effect the only way to limit the contact is to take a drink. Turn your head up, while holding the water in your mouth…dropping the pill in and swallowing immediately as if you just too 40 shots to the face like a grade a porn star.

I mean hell. You already got fucked in the ass at the dr’s office. You got fucked in the nose waiting in line. You may as well make it a menage three-way, and get fucked in the mouth taking the medicine.

We’re coming up on nearly a decade of The Axalon. It’s hard to believe that something so oddball can survive this long. The site has had it’s ups and downs with readers, and even myself, but one thing is constant: the base of the whole thing has ALWAYS been a random mixture of oddball and serious posts. It’s roots go deeper than that, though….way deeper…

It started off as a place for myself, and Dylan to show our asses. We eventually got Chris, Eric, Kevin, Will, and Dallas in on the prank phone calls that would eventually have their own little area on a user website at Geocities, and eventually Crosswinds. Eventually, while working my stint in the concentration camp known as the hell desk, I was offered a deal of web hosting for ten bucks a year, 500mb of space, and my own domain…

I immediately signed up, and couldn’t turn my paperwork in for a week because I could not think of a domain name. Finally I landed on The Axalon. The Maximal ship in the Transformers CGI series, “Beast Wars”. Several weeks later, while not taking Hell Desk calls, or…while I was taking the calls and pretending to look up information, I would be working on the layout of the site. Started off as a basic one page layout with a custom made 3d ship in the background.

Finally! Time to post! What….what what what to post first?! This whole shitstorm (pun intended) started off with a trip to the company bathroom. I refused to sit on the toilets on my floor, so I’d mosey on down to the company gym and use the locker room’s bathroom. Much cleaner and more private. After a nice long sitting (I was notorious at work for taking long toilet breaks…one time they said I was dodging work…I proved to them that no..I was in fact having a long bowel movement…and I enjoy a good healthy poo, and having undiagnosed but several declarations of ADHD, I had to have something to read while doing so..)…but…but what’s this!? I go to wipe my ass with the gentle touch of Doubly Ply Quilted, and I’m left agast..

Some damn fool put the toilet paper on the dispenser BACKWARDS!!!!! My theory was and still is that if enough people put the toilet paper on backwards, sooner or later as it’s dispensing, a time warp will open up and send us back to riding raptors at neanderthal rodeos!!! I had to stop this from happening…so my first post…was a public service announcement!

Nothing more than a bmp made in paint, was two toilet paper rolls on dispensers with a green circle around the one properly put on and a big circle and strike through on the one backwards. Straight, to the point. Bingo!!!

Then it spread around the work place. The fact that I made such a big deal over something so small. It was entertaining then. It’s intertaining now. I quickly moved on to finding odd ball stuff or making oddball stuff. Eventually I made a personal space for serious shit, but it was mainly just a spot for me to bitch.

The humor has always been a part of the site…and now…several years later, I still manage to post up occasional rants that go on for more than a couple of paragraphs. I’ve started College, finally, and word has gotten around. Something so simple as signing into my student email and under the profile for website, I put theaxalon.com.

Amidst the carjacking, the bell’s palsy, and the nearly fatal ganking, they found humor. Humor that I’ve managed to put into my schoolwork as well. Don’t ask me to post a damn power point presentation on what I consider “Ten life lessons”. It will end up bad…or good depending on your perspective and sense of humor! Some of my greatest hits (The Cereal Prizes, The M&M, and the like..) have been cut and pasted with a note to the original website, and have been circulated among students and faculty alike. It’s even jumped from one campus to another and has been passed to friends and family.  The page hits have hit nearly six times the normal volume. I have people that have steadily checked it for years, nothing major, I do this for ME first and foremost. I love to bitch and gripe about things that may not seem like that big of a deal to normal people…but what is normal anyway!?

The fact of it is…nearly ten years into it, and people are writing and commenting on how funny the rants are, and how I need to write more. I’ve been swamped with suggestions on what to write about, and even more than a few “you should write more, and then get them published, you’d make a mint.”. What do you say to that? Seriously? The thought never crossed my mind to try and publish this. I’ve been told I’m funny AND INTELLIGENT. It’s all rather good to go.

I don’t know what else to write at the moment…as usual, I write when the inspiration gnome takes a big shit on my brain. But I had to thank everyone who has been reading and keeping it alive, and those that love the funny shit so much to suggest that it might make a good book. A good book to read while sitting on the toilet. Who knows. Something that started off while sitting on the toilet finally ends up material to read while sitting on the toilet. I do not miss the irony here.

As it comes upon ten years, it will be a celebrations. I plan on updating the very first post, and have t-shirts made. Just because it’d be hilarious to see just a few people walking around wearing a t-shirt with toilet paper on it.

In closign, I’d like to say thanks once again, and I’m not done by damn far. Between all the bitching and griping are the good ones, and I plan to put out like a whore on fifty ninth street.
And remember!!! The real definition of “Penis” is: Dylan’s toothbrush.

M.