I’m happy!!!! PERIOD. Times are changing. Our first black president. All these promises. Times are changing. For the first time in a long time…or hell…maybe even my LIFE, I’m way ahead of the curve. I feel on my A-Game. I feel engaged Intellectually. There are two distinct ways to be turned on. Sexually and Intellectually. And I’m starting to feel a bit randy on the intellectual side!

I feel like I’m on the right path. I feel….

Like me.

Like.

ME.

The night I got stabbed I somehow got a cloth. I’m not sure. Technically it’s a Dishtowel, but who gives a rats ass? I’ve taken it out of the biohazard bag..(it had so much blood caked in it….), and I actually put it on my desk and I stared.

I stared right into it.

I seen the fibers of the thing stained red with blood. Blood that was unnecessarily spilled, in an act of rage….violence. THAT THOUGHTLESS ACT. That malicious act.

The act that almost ripped me away from everything and everyone I have ever loved, and who has ever loved me. I looked deeper into the fibers.

It’s spurned me to want better. Made me re-evaluate my life. Where I’m at, and where I’m wanting to be. WHERE I’M GOING TO BE.

I was stuck in the groove. No more. No less. Just caught up in the day to day living…

…and it was mostly shit.
My family is toxic. Not Chloe, or Brandi.

Mom, Christopher, and Luis.

Somehow they have kept pulling me in. Pulling me into their fights, their violence. Their ATROCITIES. Their lives are what they make it. I love my mother, but if she can’t want better for herself…can’t want it enough to make it happen…I’m powerless. If I get involved, it’ll only make things worse for me. I have too much shit going on inside my head with all that has happened to me, I’ll go into sensory overload.

I love my brother. But I’m 27, and he’s 19. He’s not my responsability anymore. I can’t keep pullin his ass out of the fires that he’s had a hand in building. It’s not healthy…and it’s not helping him. I am worried though. Christopher is the type that is going to have to hit bottom…probably live in it for a while before he wants better for himself. He thinks he has a rough life, but it’s not bad at all. Brandi is right..he needs to stop focusing on  the petty shit, the incidental shit…drugs and getting some ass and start taking control. I miss my little brother. Not this….jaded shell of a person in his place. Sometimes I look into his eyes and I can see the real him beating against the eyes like windows…screaming to be let out.
I’m tired of trying to help people who don’t want to lift a finger to help themselves.

I want better.

I will GET BETTER.

I speak with Christopher, briefly now and again…

He understands in his own way I guess. He’s re-written events in his memory. He chooses to remember it a different way. It’s his way of coping. It’s our family’s OLD WAY of coping.
Remembering it differently, or ignoring it all together.. It’s all the same.
I woke up long ago. But I needed a refresher course. I’m learning more from my memories everyday. He’ll deal with it in his own way, until eventually he wakes up and stops the pity train.
It’s not my problem.

It’s not my fight.

I’ve got to do what’s right for me, my wife and my daughter. That little pale blue eyed blond that cheered me on today as I reseated a drive tray in a cdrom drive…

“DADDY! YOU FIXXED IT! I KNEW YOU COULD! I KNEW YOU COULD!”

how can you argue with that? Weigh the option of going into a potentially violent and definitely stressful situation….orrrrrrrrr just try my best at what I do and have a five year old get my back.
No fucking contest.

It makes me smile.

No Choice. Family is family. Dealing with them as less as possible is much better for me and my immediate family. I’ve got better shit to do.

…and starting March 9th, just like Chloe says….I’m going to start having homework….just like her!!!
That makes me feel engaged. Alive….and I’m thankful for that. I love each and every one of you who have been here for me through all of my shit.

The best part of feeling alive is that you have to be alive to feel it.

I’ve got big shoes to fill, and even bigger expectations of myself.

March 9th starts the frantic tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tock. I will have better. I will make better.

That Associates Degree in Web Design and Development is mine.

And after word got to McCarty…He sent me this back:

[00:32] mccarty: hey man
[00:32] mccarty: I’m sorry I’m so hard to catch. I’m alway son the go around here.
[00:33] mccarty: Listen, I must say I stopped dead in my tracks when I found out you are going to college. You wouldn’t believe how happy that makes me. It’s one of those moments where you wait and wait and wait and it fades and finally one day TOTALLY by surprise that one thing you wanted happens.
[00:34] mccarty: I’ve always stood by the fact that you got “mad skills” when it comes to the comp. You’ve  had it since day one and I couldn’t be happier to see it finally come to fuition. To see something come of those skills, ya know?
[00:35] mccarty:  I wish you only the best in your pursuits in college and hope that you love it to death like I do. In fact, I’m back in school now trying to get a minor in math and lead up to a masters of geology, one day.
[00:47] mccarty: Anyway man, you take care and best of luck with your pursuits. Hope things are going smoothly. =)

My bestfriend since Kindergarten.

That brought a smile to my face. I already knew I was on the right path, but reading that….I did shed a tear. It made me happy.

I got news….

I’m back mother fuckers!!!

Smalley

I’ve been telling anyone who would listen since it’s happened…but just now figured out that this is the most efficient way.

After dropping out of high school 9 years ago, and getting my GED 7 years ago, where I scored a distinguished on my essay, and scored higher than most highschool students in the state…I’ve woke up.

After numerous tests of inadvertently proving the theory that I’m invincible.

Car crashes. Car Jackings. Shoulder Slamming and Head Stabbing.

I just woke up January 26th and something was different.

It’s like all the cliche` shit you hear all the time. A veil was pulled from my eyes, etc.

I seen the world in a completely different light. I heard all the sounds I seemed to have missed before. Instead of my brain firing full go constantly, everything was at a normal pace.

It was time.

I started doing my research to see what I could find that would work with my precarious situation of being a stay at home father with a daughter that’s in kindergarten and a wife that works 2nd shift and only one car between us.

Luckily the first place I checked offered just what I wanted. So I called them up.

The time went by quick, and I decided to go for gold.

The very next day was D-Day. Would I make it? Would I get cut down BECAUSE of my precarious situation? Would I be shafted because of the all mighty dollar?

I was a nervous wreck. The phone rang and I reached out with a shakey hand and answered.

Helllllllllllllllloooooooooooo NURSE!!!!!

I got accepted into college, and financial aid came through!!!

Not only that, but a fuck-ton of grants too!!!

I’ll be attending completely through online courses with no set time or day to log on. And with that….I’ll be working toward my Associates Degree in Web Design and Development!!!!

It starts March 9th….

…and so does the war!!!!

Michael