I was cruising the cereal aisle the other day and amongst all the favorites…you know. Cap’n Crunch, Honeycomb, Smacks!, Cookie Crisp, Fruit Loops, Fruity Pebbles….*slap* sorry…got carried away. Anyhow. Through all of those I noticed one thing. The thing that is wrong with society today. Yes, this is what’s fucking us all up. Detrimental to us all.

I took in the air, and the intertwined around the aroma of all the sugary goodness that filled our bowls while we were kids, and even today…something smelled fishy. *Sniffs again* Yes. Positively Tuna Casserole.

Glancing through the box covers I notice the friendly features of all our friends. Tony the Tiger, Diggum, Tucan Sam, Snap, Crackle and Pop, *GASP* What’s this? They replaced the Burglar, Cop, and Chip from Cookie Crisp a long time ago…with just Chip, the criminal dog. BUT NOW HE’S BEEN ASSASSINATED! Eighty Sixed!!! Bumped off!!! Taking a dirt nap!! For who? Some dumbass wolf wearing a read pleather vest straight from the metrosexual hellhole offffffffffffffffffffff…………………………that’s right. Some corporate scumbag’s idea of what’s cool.

Little fuck head. I hope his asshole blows out while taking a shrapnel shit.

But alas. That’s not our problem. Oh yes. It’s part of it. It’s probably what kicked this thing off. Gave them the fucking BALLS to pull the next step.

I’ll let you savor the fishy flavor. On almost each and every box, (of the good shit, mind you…) there..in the corner…AHHH yeah. There it is.

FREE! in big large letters! Just below it: Whatever is free. In the case of Fruitloops it’s a T-Shirt. (Guitar Hero). Ahh. Hell yeah…every kid can use another shirt. Not as good as the other premi…..

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?

BY MAIL WITH SIX PROOFS OF PURCHASE!?!? YOU FUCKING FUCK SHITS!!!

I rotate the box freely…which…to you laymen means I tossed the mother fucker in the air and gave a quick gander. Nothing else. YOU GET JACK SHIT! NOTHING IN THE BOTTOM OF THE BOX OF CEREAL!!!

NOTHING.

IN THE.

BOTTOM.

OF THE GODDAMNED BOX!!!

NO FUCKING CEREAL PREMIUM! THEY’RE TAKING AWAY OUR GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO ROT OUR TEETH WITH SUGARY CEREAL EVERY MORNING WHILE PLAYING WITH SOME CHEAP PIECE OF PLASTIC WE HAD TO DIG AROUND IN THE BOTTOM OF THE BOX AND QUIT POSSIBLY GET OUR ASSES BUSTED FOR MAKING A MESS IN THE PROCESS. Not to mention the earful we got from our Mom’s. (I better have not bought that box of cereal so you can have the damned toy. You’re going to eat every fucking bite of that or I’ll turn your ass into a fucking bike trail.)

In fact. I can quite fondly remember jacking the cereal box as soon as we got home to tear it open cerimoniously just to dive both my grubby dirty hands to the bottom of the box to get that little beauty.

Now…nothing.

The fucking mailaways were always a BONUS! NOT THE FUCKING PRIZE!!!!! FUCK!

Now even some of the fucks have just games. Trivia. JACK BILLY BOB BULLSHIT!!!!!

FUCK THAT! GIVE ME MY FUCKING PRIZE YOU FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT! DID YOU DECIDE SCRAPE A BIT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR LITTLE CAULDRON OF BULLSHIT LIES AND MONEY? HOW MUCH MONEY ARE YOU SAVING!?

I BET IT’S NOT ENOUGH TO REPAIR ALL THE FUCKING BROKEN HEARTS OF THE WORLD. THE REASON THE WORLD IS GOING TO SHIT!!!

And don’t you try to fucking bullshit me…..US…I have an army of people behind me that have gotten this far in this little ditty to be nodding, pissed off and ready to run you through with a hot fire poker. I don’t give a shit if you decide to throw us, and our children a bone every now and then. A fucking cheap shit fucking digital hand held jackshit “game”. Or a goddamned spoon that lights up!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT! FUCK THE LIGHT UP SPOONS! BITCHES! WE HAD SPOONS THAT CHANGED COLOR IN THE FUCKING COLD MILK!!!!!

Those kind of shit ball prizes, premiums..(DARE I SAY SHIT!?), is what belongs in a third rate happy meal. From Burger King, or Taco Bell. AND FUCKING SHIT! BURGER KING GETS SOME DECENT SHIT HALF THE TIME ANYMORE! (STILL DON’T MAKE UP FOR THEIR SHIT FRIES THOUGH.)

What the fuck happened to the best of the shit? I bet it used to be fucking cutthroat in the children cereal industry. Always trying to one up each other in the competing companies. Always had the good shit. It was fucking hard to choose!!!

Always had to decide which little figurine you wanted!! DUCKTALES! TAILSPIN! GOOFTROOP! CHIP AND DALE’S RESCUE RANGERS! DARKWING DUCK! EVEN FUCKING GUMMIBEARS! (Bouncing here and there and everyyyyyyyyywhere…..I’d cut someone’s asshole out for a fucking drink of gummiberry juice!!!) WE EVEN FUCKING HAD LITTLE MOTION CARDS WITH TRANSFORMERS ON THEM!!!!!!

We’d kick someones ass for that GIZMODUCK figurine!!! If you don’t know who Gizmoduck is…you have two options Google, or my Staplegun.

The best though…My ABSOLUTE fucking favorite…always have been…always will be. The Wacky Wall Crawler. That sticky shit fucking Octopus!! That’s fucking right!!! I’d spend many a minute gently tossing him up to the top of the wall and watching him wriggle, flip, and tentacle his way down.

Got more than one? Could you con your parent like I could mine!? (I can’t decide which one Mom!! I need both!!!) Which what I really fucking needed what another Sticky Octopus!!!

A FUCKING RACE!!!!!!!!!

I remember having up to six at a time going!!!

Since we’re on the Premiums kick. Anyone fucking Remember Giggles cookies? THEY EVEN FUCKING COME WITH FUCKING STICKERS!!! THE COOKIES WERE FUCKING DELICIOUS AND HAD FACES!!! AND STICKERS? HOT DAMN!!!!!!

Even their mail order stuff was better. No pussy ass fucking SHIRT! We had a goddamned Count Chocula Stuffed VAMPIRE!!!!

YOU FIX THIS SHIT! AND YOU’LL FIX THE WORLD?! WHAT NATIONAL DEBT? PAID OFF IN GOOD CEREAL PRIZES!!! No fucking cheating by just giving out the prizes. You have to stuff them in the bottom of the box and pour cheap sugary cereal on top of it, seal the bag, seal the box. BONUS IF YOU HAVE GOOD MAIL AWAYS! AND NO FUCKING USING THAT SHITTY BAG CEREAL! Don’t try that, it’s the same shit. I don’t give a fuck. It’s not in the box with the fucking prizes!!!!!!