Do you have an annoying neighbor, with an equally annoying little bitchy dog? Perhaps it decides to prance it’s way in your yard, or even worse, your walking path. Decides to further insult you by yapping and bitching at you, but then takes it even further…he takes a dump.

Right.
Where.
You.
Walk.

Or maybe that’s not your problem at all…

Maybe your problem is someone owes you money and won’t pay up. Say you loan them a few bucks for a bite to eat. Then they can’t pay you back because “they get paid every two weeks….and this is the odd week.”. The next day you see them toting around a brand new fucking IPod.

Not your speed?

Maybe the fucking mail lady keeps tearing your mail while carelessly stuffing it into your mailbox, in an effort to get through her route faster to go home and stuff some penis in her ass.

The result? Your magazine that you paid good money for a subscription for is dogeared, torn, and wrinkled. Mother fucker…

Some dick cut in front of you in line? Some pickle gangster rolled through a redlight trying to beat the yellow and while it didn’t cause an accident, you pissed yourself anyway?

Some bone thug thought he’d be cute when you asked for no pickles on your cheeseburger, and gave you a plain cheeseburger with a fuckton of pickles?

Some asshat slipped in front of you and grabbed the only remaining fullscreen copy of a newly released movie?

Dicksack McGee would like to let you know the once in a lifetime, great package deal, buy one get none free, all seeing, all dancing, unlimited anytime minutes, get a free toaster if you convert, all extras like caller id, and two ply toilet paper included DEAL. On a Sunday. While you’re trying to sleep. Like a normal goddamn human being at 5am.

I would like to help YOU solve these problems. Now, I’m not into Kung-Fu. I’m not an attorney. (I may be able to fuck them up, but I can’t fuck’em…not like an attorney can in any case…)

I’m not licensed in any way, shape or form.

I’ll tell you what I am though. Probably as pissed off as you are over the stupid shit people seem to carelessly do. The shit they assume they’re entitled to, the shit they give out but really get offended if you so much as break wind. In the bathroom. In the stall. While taking a shit.

You could consider me in the Revenue Service…mainly because I’m out to tax that ass..

I’ve got the tools and resources to get the job done. And right quick too!

There’s nothing that can’t be solved with a good five minutes alone with me and a staple gun.

I received a copy of Metallica’s Death Magnetic album on September 2^nd, 10 days well ahead of the “official” launce date. To say I was excited was an understatement. Of. Mass. Proportions. As everyone knows, I’ve been a Metallica fan since Master of Puppets, the first time I heard them. I’ve been pushing this album like the goddamned redemption it fucking is.

 

First off, I loved St. Anger for what it was. It was new, it was fresh and in spite what many think or say, I can fucking assure you. It’s Metallica. The production was low on that album and it added to the whole atmosphere of the album itself. Not a lot of people were fans of the album. In fact a lot of people still bitch about it. Mainly, the production and the damned snare drum. This is not about that album though, this…is about redemption.

 

Redemption for what you say? For all you heathens. All those people who said they sold out, or were too old. That they were going through the motions. Let me tell you this. You have NOT seen the last of the boys. My boys.

 

There are ten tracks on this album. One of which is an instrumental. There has not been an instrumental song on a Metallica album since …And Justice for All. That in and of itself is enough to make any fan giddy.

 

 Let’s go through them shall we?

 

• THAT WAS JUST YOUR LIFE
• THE END OF THE LINE
• BROKEN, BEAT & SCARRED
• THE DAY THAT NEVER COMES
• ALL NIGHTMARE LONG
• CYANIDE
• THE UNFORGIVEN III
• THE JUDAS KISS
• SUICIDE AND REDEMPTION
• MY APOCALYPSE

 

Looking at the track listing alone can not make you aware of what you’re in for. I know what you’re thinking though. I probably thought the same thing, honestly. Unforgiven III? FUCK! What in the green hell? Trust me. When you hear it…you’ll understand.

 

The song everyone probably knows by now is The Day That Never Comes, mainly because it’s been whored out for a little under a month now. It’s also got a short movie-esque type video to go with it. It’s a Metallica ballad. What else is there honestly to say? Like all of their ballad type songs, it’s in slot number four on the album.

 

Speaking of slots. The instrumental, Suicide and Redemption is in slot number 9. Much like Orion, and To Live is to Die, it precedes the last song.

 

The names themselves. Less of the psychobabble style of St. Anger. More of a traditional ANGRY style, however. The one that probably stands out to me the most as really fucking creative is The Judas Kiss. All Nightmare Long is a great play on words. My Apocalypse just fucking plain sounds cool. You can draw all sorts of conclusions with that song title.

 

Now for the songs themselves.

 

THAT WAS JUST YOUR LIFE:

 

It starts off with a heartbeat, then leads into this really dark, dank light guitar with some creepy overtones. The creepiness slams home as the distorted guitars and drums come in. From right behind you. After a lengthy build up. The riff kicks down and the drums kick in and it’s on.

 

At first, you don’t really know how to take the style of singing in this one. It just sockets right home. The pre-chorus just kinda chugs along in a head bobbing sort of way, then shifts into the normal song speed with the chorus.

 

About half way through the song, after the lyrics “There is went, almost like your life…” echos as the bridge sneaks in, you realize that this isn’t the old Metallica a lot of people were hoping for. Nor is it the “new Metallica” that everyone claims since the Black album.

 

This isn’t the rehabbed, searching Metallica. This isn’t any Metallica we’ve ever heard before. Let me acknowledge here and now, that they are not back. They never went anywhere, so how can they be back? They’re going through the motions that musicians go through.

 

This however?

 

This is another kind of monster all together.

 

Some Kind of Monster. (hehehe, see what I did there?)

 

As the bridge builds into the solo, you’re gifted with one hell of an evil solo by Mr. Kirk Hammet. As the album spins on, you realized that he must’ve visited those same crossroads to unleash his beast within.

 

After the short solo, it comes into lyrics again and then just one hell of a goddamn outro. A smile will cross your face. The horns will go into the air. Your head will bang. Going with the chorus, and jamming. It just skids to a halt with a squeal as the cymbals fade.

 

 

 

THE END OF THE LINE:

Anyone who’s sought out any new Metallica has come across this song. We all know this intro. This is “THE NEW SONG”. You think you know what to expect after the intial offering of this song. As the cymbal swells fade you expect to hear some snare then a roll across the toms, right?

 

WRONG! SO FUCKING WRONG! I shit a solid gold brick after what came next. Three count on the hihats, then a snare/guitar slide on four and it goes into this…Christ. Goddamn, son. The only way I know how to describe it is “groove”. The riff would not be out of place on Load.

 

So you’re sitting there, and it changes again into this charging mesh of sound. It would be perfect for an action movie. Car chase. Maybe Michael Bay can license it for Transformers 2. hehehe.

 

After a build up into a chorus, you know Hetfield is on his damn A-Game. As “Never mind…you’ve reached the end of the line” fades the song wastes no time and doesn’t give you an inch to breath, yes…it rips that much.

 

The bridge has a stomping feel to it we became acquainted with in St. Anger.. Atleast in the beginning. Then it returns to the familiar territory we know as The New Song. The solo is different as it dances over the top of the down picked intro we all know and love.

 

We all fucking new that riff was too fucking good to let die. And if you thought they gave Kirk his Wah back in the first song? You know you’re home with the boys during this one. I love the little guitar scream right before it kicks into the solo. It’s like someone turned on a bunch of tube amps and they just shit themselves.

 

The solo screams down into The New Song riff again and it just Hammer dances it’s way up the scale before muting itself and SLAM COUNTS into….what the fuck? GODDAMN RIGHT! A SLOW PRETTY PART!

 

In a poetic way, James sings, “Drop the hourglass of time, spilling sand you will not find, as we gather here today, we bid farewell…the slave becomes the master..”. The way he sings it, coupled with the well known New Song lyrics rewrote, will send you off to sleep almost. Almost that is until the song picks back up again.

 

The song jams out as James sings the song title over and over. As the guitars fade, you’ll feel strangely satisfied, yet sad. It took some time to grow on me, because I loved the new song riffs a lot. I’m glad they weren’t scrapped totally. This is one hell of a song, so it’s the perfect mesh and a pleasant fucking surprise.

 

BROKEN, BEAT & SCARRED:

 

This is my favorite song on this album. It has one hell of a build up false start. When the song drops into gear, if it’s not your favorite, it’ll be up there. This one will be a fucking crowd participated song. You’ll know why.

I love the way James sings this one. It just reiterates itself over and over. But this is like a theme song for people who refuse to be taken down without a fight. The whole first verse is:

”You rise, you fall, you’re down, and you rise again; what don’t kill you will make you more strong.”

 

The way it reiterates is a guitar accompanied repeat sung over the riff:

 

“RISE; FALL; DOWN; RISE AGAIN” followed by “What don’t kill you will make you more strong.”

 

This song is in the pocket.

 

The chorus is a heavy bass drum driven affair. You remember when I said it will be a crowd participation song? It’s right here. In between lines, you’ll hear an angry, pissed off “SHOW YOUR SCARS!” The song gets the title from “Breaking your life, broken, beat and scarred…” but the last part. The way it’s sung, there is no doubt, that it’s meant as a fact, quite possibly about the band themselves… “BUT WE DIE HARD”. Anyone can get behind that.

 

The second verse is sang in the same catchy ass fashion. With the motto “What don’t kill you will make you more strong.” The last line of it really caught me. I had to rewind and listen to it again. Nothing really out of the ordinary, I just thought it fit really well. “They scratch me, they scrape me, they couldn’t rape me”. As long as you don’t take the “rape me” literally you’re golden. Otherwise..well..you’re on your own.

 

Another chorus pounds it’s way through and as the last lyrics of it slide out the bridge kicks in with this speedy bridge and Mr. Hammett tearing shit up again. The solo is one of those shred/benders. After a few hits, the chorus comes into play again, and “SHOW YOUR SCARS” now has back up vocals. It jams out as “We Die Hard” is repeated a couple of times, then just stops suddenly.

 

THE DAY THAT NEVER COMES:

 

The ballad. It has a beautiful intro, definitely in the same vein as Fade to Black. Kirk is playing a really emotional part to the sad, but pretty picked part. The song builds up into this excellent, catchy picked riff that will serve as the foundation of the song. Hetfield’s vocal work, and lyric structure is an odd but catchy combination. There is a light emotional part behind the second set of lyrics in the first verse. I can’t tell if it’s guitar or what, but it adds a lot to the song.

 

The song builds into the chorus with a lot of sustained notes from the guitars, and Lars doing what he does best. Right there with the feel of the song. The guitars also have an overdub of more emotion.

 

As the verse comes back in it lets you back down from the little plateau it built you up on with the chorus. One of my favorite lines is the last line of the second verse: “I’ll end this day, I’ll splatter color on this gray..” It’s just really damn creative and thought provoking.

 

The song then builds up into a whole other emotion after the chorus. After James swears the sun will shine, it breaks down into this moderately paced beat with the guitars seeming to duel each other. They go back and forth. Back and forth, until Kirk has a touch of a solo, then it’s back to dueling. After a sustain, it gets heavier, and you can hear Rob jogging along with Lars. Then you get Kirk’s real solo. It’s one hell of an epic build up. The he dies off, then comes back doing the touch solo again. (I know it’s hammer-on notes but I call it a touch solo, because there is just a touch of it…you picky fucks.)

 

As the song builds out I picture one of the Bugs Bunny orchestra episodes. Not in a negative way at all. It’s just the note progression. It makes me giggle. The song builds into a slop-pounded end. It’s not really sloppy, just the feel I get from it. The actual end is just a snare drum accented down picked ditty.

 

ALL NIGHTMARE LONG:

 

It sounds like something you would hear in a nightmare. The opening gambit is just a drum driven creep. The distortion comes in at what seems like a patterned random order before it just gets into a fast paced devil come home way. You’ll hear a “1, 2..” before the actual riff starts, then some teasing, and creeping again with “Luck, Runs, Out”.

 

James calls out the beginning of the verse, and then it’s just BAM! Right into a steady beat, then the chorus. “Hunt you down all nightmare long.” There’s no doubt that this song is what dwells in the shadows of your unconscious minds at night.

 

“Luck Runs Out” seems to be the returning lyric. It’s called through the chorus and at the beginning of the verse. It’s like you’re a child running away from numerous monsters in your dreams, and as fast as you’re running, they’re still gaining until *SCRHRRRRRRREEEECCCT* you’re caught.

 

After a rather creepy solo by Kirk, while it’s building up, then it just lets loose as fast as  it kicks down into what seems like water circling the drain. We’re made aware of something coming as James count in and..WHAT THE FUCK!!?!?!??! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?!?! OH YEAH!

 

You know this fucking riff. You know it and you know it fucking well. It’s the missing piece of THE NEW SONG bridge!!! And yes…it fits right in with this creepy ass fucking song. This was my favorite part of the new song. And yes. Lars nails the double bass parts. Then it just drops to this speed riff. You know the one. Oh yes. I’m sure you know the mother fucker.

 

And as quick as it starts, it suddenly stops. ANNNNNNNNNNNND back into the chorus we go with LUCK. RUNS. OUT. And as your luck runs out, the song does too.

CYANIDE:

 

The first song off of Death Magnetic we heard. It was debuted at Ozzfest. It’s a bass and drum driven song. The guitars meld in but it’s the bass guitar and the drums that make this one sway.

 

“SUICIDE, I’VE ALREADY DIED, YOU’RE JUST THE FUNERAL I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR.”

 

That first chorus lyric is the main stand out point of this song. It’s catchy, and it will stick in your head, as you’re bobbing it.

 

This is one of the more laid back songs on the album. Not THE laid back song, just more so than most of the others. I love the pedal use of the intro. It really adds to the song. The bridge drums are really a basic, but creative fucking beat we’ve all come to expect from Lars. At the last of the bridge, Kirk works his magic with a build up, then he just lets loose.

 

The song comes into a driven part and then quick as it came, it builds up into another part of a solo, and rolls into a build out, and drops back into the bass/drum part. The guitars come in and let me tell you this. Before it builds up again you’ll hear a trade marked Hetfield non specific vocal sound. I could try to spell it but the closest I can come is mhmmmmghhh.

 

The song pounds out and comes to a clean cut. With that, we’re just a little over half way through the album. Are you sure you can handle more? FUCK YES!

 

THE UNFORGIVEN III:

 

Christ. Just the name alone makes you wonder. Then when you hear the song start…what the fuck? YES. IT IS A FUCKING PIANO. With accompaniment. Don’t know what to expect? It’s ok. I didn’t either. It’s beautiful yes…but is it Metallica? Quite frankly I was expecting the reversed horn and drum roll.

 

You’ll know with all your being that when the guitars actually start, yes…it is Metallica. And yes…it is as beautiful as the beginning of the song. It resembles the Unforgiven by the heavy ass verse. That heavy ass catchy fucking verse.

 

The chorus is the intro pretty part. That low, trudging number, with Hetfield pleading it seems. “How can I be lost, if I have no where to go?”.  The song has a really awesome build up where he’s saying “forgive me, forgive me not”. It just rips into a heavy part with him singing it. AND YES!

THERE IT IS!

 

This part is what makes it fucking UNFORGIVEN. Not the goddamn lyrics. Not the fucking song structure. Not the drums. FUCKING KIRK! As James screams “WHY CAN’T I FORGIVE ME!?”, Kirk rips into this fucking solo that makes your fucking jaw drop. When it first starts up, it just SWALLOWS the last vestiges of James’s “ME”. It takes you on an epic journey before it just drops you off back to where you were going with another sad chorus.  As the song lays itself to rest, you’re wondering if you really really heard that song right. Yes. Go ahead and play it again. It’s that fucking epic. When you’re done, just go ahead.

 

THE JUDAS KISS:

 

This song title is just fucking bad ass. It sends all sorts of questions flowing through your mind. And you know you’re fucking with a goddamn betrayer right when the song starts. It’s a fucking false start! It’s bad ass, but it tricked my ass. You know you’re in for a fucking ride when the song actually kicks in. Then it throws you for another fucking loop again. This fucker is a roller coaster. The drums are really intricate here. Nothing flashy, just really complimentary of the riff.

 

I’ll tell you right off. The fucking song really shines at the chorus. It’s just fucking evil. You want a song to break shit to? Kick someone’s ass to a soundtrack? It’s this one.

 

The riff is infectious and the lyrics are perfect:

 

BOW DOWN

SELL YOUR SOUL TO ME

I WILL SET YOU FREE

PACIFY YOUR DEMON

 

BOWDOWN

SURRENDER UNTO ME

SUBMIT INFECTIOSLY

SANCTIFY YOUR DEMONS

 

INTO ABYSS

YOU DON’T EXIST

CAN NOT RESIST

THE JUDAS KISS

 

How can you argue with that? Simple. You can’t. Don’t even try. Just obey. Bow down.

 

The song kicks back into the catchy verse, and the “so what now…where do I head” is now sticking in your mind. The way it’s sung, but by time you get a feel for it…it’s time to:

 

BOW DOWN!!!!!!! SELL YOUR SOUL TO ME!!!!!

 

Yes…

 

When the bridge comes into this mother fucker you know it’s time for something equally evil to match the chorus. The build into the solo is the false intro!!! Bastards. They how to stick it. Once again Kirk plays around with his wah, and does that magic only he knows how.

 

It just stops with a count and accents as James says a couple of lines and it kicks into another solo. By this time, you’ve found someone to kick around and they’re bloody. When the chorus riff comes in with Kirk solo screaming over top of it like some demon calling for a sacrifice, it drops into a muted riff with some heavy ass toms. The build up for this one is scary. It reminds me of Forest, by System of a Down. The way the instruments build up and James sings. It is bad ass, just like Forest.

 

As James let’s loose with “Find a piece of me in all” it rips into the build up:

 

Then it’s time for…

 

Yep

 

You guessed it:

 

“It’s time you alsoooooo BOW DOWN!!!” CHORUS!!!!!!

 

The second Bow Down is evil sounding with the backing vocals. The outro is the intro riff with Lars just carrying the beat and it builds out with a kick in the teeth.

 

 

SUICIDE & REDEMPTION:

 

Fades in with bass guitar accented by muted cymbals and guitar. It builds in with this epic sounding riff. Finally you’re allowed to orgasm as it let’s loose with a catchy ass riff, with a build up in the middle of it. Like all of the other instrumentals, you can feel the emotion dripping off of this one.

 

Trust me. I know this one has a lot to stand up to. Orion? Call of Ktulu? Classics. This will not disappoint. It’s a new instrumental for a new era. And yes, it screams fucking Metallica as loud as the other ones. It’s a moderate pace, and it goes from all edges. Just when you think you know what to expect it hits you with something new.

 

It even has a pretty part in it. Yes. I love using that phrase. Pretty part. It has some beautiful lead, as it seamlessly transitions into a heavy part, it carries. Then it builds into this nasty bassdrum and bass guitar and the guitars come in and it just cuts loose.

 

Then it really cuts loose with Kirk. Bringing that shit home. To your doorstep. DING DONG! Special fucking delivery mother fuckers.

 

Lars drops some double bass as the song builds into the main riff again and THERE IT IS! Right there, epic as hell. What the…it changed again!! WOOHOO!! Lars does some really catchy fills while the strings accent, then it just builds into another of the main riffs.

 

The drum fills keep coming over that riff as it fades…oh yeah. It was awesome.

 

 

MY APOCALYPSE:

 

You fucking want thrash? Not that pussy ass fucking shit that goes for thrash these days? That fucking old school shit? You know you’re fucking in for it. A little taste of home for your ass.

 

This song does NOT fuck around. It comes in strong. You’ll be ready to get dirty when this shit kicks in.  Did I say you were going to throw your horns in the air before? You fucking will right now for sure.

 

It does not let up.

 

AT ALL.

 

“SUFFER UNTO MY APOCALYPSE”

 

This is where the album title came from. This song right here.

 

“Deadly vision; Prophecy revealed; Death Magnetic; Pulling closer still.”

 

It’s a hard job to describe the last song on this album. The whole album is an ear fuck. You better go in with your ear condoms on and a change of fucking underwear. And that’s just for the other tracks. This one? You’ll probably need a spare ass.

 

Think you know what’s coming?

 

It shits a solo in your mouth, and you’re grinning the whole time.

 

The bridge sneaks up on you and puts a foot in your ass.

 

You’re laying there wondering if you’ve just gotten laid, when it rips back into the song proper. It’s like the first time you got laid. It was oh so good, but over too damn quick. This is the shortest song on the damn album. Clocking in at 5:01. The next shortest clocks in at 6:25. That’s a pretty big gap!

 

This song builds out and ends Death Magnetic with a solid fucking hit. They saved the fastest for last. Like I said. This fucker don’t let up. AT ALL. I bet you’ll have to fucking listen to it a few times just to get over the initial shock of being raped.

 

 

 

Yeah, I’m a Metallica fan so I may be fucking leaning toward the guys, but you can’t fuck with this album. It’s fucking solid from start to finish. I bet cash money that all the front runners will be coming out of no where. A lot of fucking “fans”. Pussy ass fuckers. You know the fucking type. They got pissed because the band cut their hair. They said they sold out because they tried something different musically. They fucking went mainstream, they sold out!!! WAHHHH!!

 

Bullshit. You know what? They’re in the business to make money WHILE playing music. A lot of them got pissed when Napster happened. You know what I did? I got my account banned. It wasn’t the first. I think I got something closer to 10+ accounts banned. I didn’t give a fuck. Cry about it. You were getting music free. And you got caught? BOOHOO! I still fucking pirate music, movies and fucking software. Why? Because I’m a cheap bastard. I’ve got a shit ton of fucking dvds, games, and cds. I support whatever I see fit, but I pirate too. What does that make me? I do both?

 

Technically, I’m pirating Death Magnetic right now. Until September 12^th. I’ve already bought the album. I’m a fucking fan. I don’t give a shit. I just wanted a fucking taste. I’m a greedy bastard. I was logging into mission Metallica every goddamn day hoping they’d let loose another fucking song.

 

The whole album? Heh. I won’t tell you how I got it. I’ll tell you this, someone fucked up somewhere. Yes. I may not have a physical copy of it, yet. YET. I paid for this one too. Idiot? I don’t think so. I’m fucking excited. I got fucking tickets to see my boys, I got the new album.

 

AND I’M ON A MISSION. All you front runners beware. I’m coming. And I’m going to shove this album up your ass one track at a time, and you know what?

 

I have a fucking ARMY of true metal heads behind me to hold you still. We’ll take turns. We’ll take a lunch break off that ass.

 

This album is so goddamn good it needs to be registered with the government as a fucking weapon.

 

HEHEHE. I should end it on that, but I’m still giggling over “It shits a solo in your mouth…”

 

Christ I need help.

 

Dr. Hetfield. I need to make an appointment. Yes. November 9^th will be fine. 7pm you say? SURE THING! SEE YOU THEN DOC!

 

Smalley